Man in a suit

A godsen, noun, a useful employee benefit that doesn't quite go far enough

The Suit — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 12:42:00 GMT

I've been trying to scale the complexities of the childcare voucher scheme this week as my eldest son starts nursery in September. It took me three days to scope out the nurseries in our areas and four days for the police to convince me that the costs are not actually extortion, and therefore deserving of a mass execution, but are, in fact, legal. My bank account, already under manned, limping from a nasty bout of trench foot and in dire need of reinforcements after 12 months fighting off the worst of the recession, is now being kicked repeatedly in the shins by an outflanking force of two small boys armed with demands for nursery fees and shoe sizes that seem to double in size every nine days. That these vouchers exist at all is great but the fact that my company also contributes 10% is a godsend. Although, like most things in these days of pay freezes, pay cuts and redundancies, they only meet some of the costs of real life. So, in fact, it’s a Godsen, then, noun, pron: god-sen, a particularly useful and timely event (or employee benefit) that, while greatly appreciated, unfortunately, just doesn't go far enough.

My wife and I are on the opposite sides of the employment spectrum. Me: large company. Her: freelancer. Being a freelancer, she can work according to her needs but unfortunately, recieves none of the benefits that I get from being a full time employee. In boom times, this set up gave her the flexibility to work when she wanted, earning a decent wage and be on hand for the children too. The media often applaud any overly-hyped method of interconnected working different to the norm, spurred on by their desire to identify the 'new, new thing' and developments in social media and the web. The traditional company structure will soon be dead, monoliths transformed into mobile, loose affiliations of remote working employees, we were told. Wage slaves, claims the Daily Wail, I tell you that you will soon be free to work at home, railing against the decline of western civilisation while sitting in your pants. Unfortunately, the recession came and this emperor found that not only did he have no clothes but also lacked body parts and a torso. The Wildebeest are right. It's safer in a herd.

Larger companies have made efforts to retain their key staff over the last year or so, acknowledging that the cut and run techniques used in the last recession ended up hurting them when it came to recovery. In contrast, I listened to the audible smacks as members of the freelancing community, in the depths of the recession, hit the wall on an unpleasantly frequent basis. Often, it was people that we knew. Occasionally, we thought that it would be us.

And then, suddenly, those that had previously taken pleasure in being their own boss - the perceived zenith of employement evolution - began clamouring to become a wage slave, envying the regularity of our work, the childcare vouchers, the regular income and, at the end of it all, the safety net of a redundancy payment. The trick of course, will be to see if any of us have learned our lesson for the future. Personally, I doubt it. We never do.

Normal service will resume shortly

The Suit — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 14:08:00 GMT

As the snow and ice has turned my daily form of transport from an energy efficient miracle to a two wheeled suicide device, my bike has been given a well earned rest as I tentatively make my way to the tube every morning at 8.00 a.m. In most other circumstances being this inappropriately close to another human being would invariably result in a beating and/or prison sentence (not necessarily in that order) but like the millions who endure this ordeal, we politely grin and bear it as we awkwardly rub bodies, gaze intently at each others' pores and study a terrible advert for car insurance as though it were a novel. I've been cycling to work for so long that its almost refreshing to recognise old acquaintances - the idiosyncracies and behavioural rituals that have evolved to define the London commute to work. The no speaking rule. The invisibility of the old, infirm and pregant to those with a seat. The stress of the conditions are such that no speaking is a rigidly enforced requirement. Without it, ear drums would perforate in a sea of frustrated expletives. The head-clearing effects of 150 different types of aftershave and scent wafting from 150 bodies in a steel tube hurtling through the black depths. A perfumists Inferno. The collective disdain for any tourist who dares bring luggage onto the tube during rush hour. Tsk. Shake head. Look disgusted. The desperate cramming of bodies into this packed carriage, because Something Important Is Happening That Means I Cannot Wait An Extra Three Minutes For The Next Carriage. The collective fury that errupts at the turnstiles when someones pauses to find their ticket. Madness. Commuting is insanity masquerading as normality. Same time tomorrow, then?

Unhealthy workforces and other recipes

The Suit — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:47:00 GMT

I am struggling to find anything particular interesting to write about today. Not much has changed then, many will shout. Then I thought, that, as this is a time of over-indulgence, I'd direct you to a website that can clog your arteries just by looking at it. Who knows, maybe you'll find some recipe ideas to tide your body over as chilly, guilt-ridden January emerges to remind you of the festive season's depravity. That, or a heart attack, of course.

Now. What were we saying about healthy workforces?

Secret Satan

The Suit — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 14:24:00 GMT

Life begins the slow descent into festive insanity that is the Christmas season. My particular bête noire is Secret Santa. For those that don't know, Secret Santa is the evil ritual whereby your colleagues anonymously buy each other presents. So invariably, one ends up having to chose a present for a colleague that you are only vaguely aware existed. I say evil as it adds extra complexity to a season already riven by indecision and strewn with my desperate attempts to remember to buy presents for my thousands of extended family members. The only thing that I may know about my Secret Santa colleague is that they occasionally walk on the same bit of office carpet. As if this wasn't enough, an additional hurdle is that presents are limited to five pounds. Now. I work in the City of London. The last time shops in the City of London stocked something worth five pounds was back in 1705. Five pounds then bought you seventeen footmen, a peerage and a sugar plantation in Jamaica. In 2009, shops around here charge you five pounds just to read their signage, recession or not. Fortunately, I have been told of a new place that stocks 'novelty items'. Now, that phrase makes me grimace as much as outlets that call themselves 'Ye Olde Shoppe', the word 'leverage' and the anyone describing themselves as a 'motivational speaker'. Shops which sell novelty items are an indication that the collapse of Western Civilisation is imminent. Future citizens will find our bones buried under plastic dog messes, cartoon loo paper and fluffy trolls perched atop coloured pencils. Nevertheless, it must be done. I shall sally forth buy my colleague their present and hope that what they have always wanted was a stapler in the shape of a naked Father Christmas, his modesty covered only by a small red hat. On the plus side, as its secret, we don't have to share the crippling awkwardness of them pretending to be pleased with it. Thank heavens for small mercies, I suppose.

(Note to self: You should really caveat this with the admission that last year my Secret Santa gave me quite a good gardening book. But then again, you might want to leave that out as it'll make everything that you've written before that admission look quite contrived).

I got you, babe

The Suit — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Well, my second son came barrelling into the world a few weeks ago now and life has suddenly got messier, nosier and busier. The first child makes you realise how much free time you used to have while the second child makes you understand that life with one is quite like holidaying in Bermuda in a staffed boutique hotel, by comparison. So, I ricochet from home to work, from board room to bath time from conference calls to coo-coos from reading the FT to spotting ladybirds on my eldest's favourite picture book. We're haunted by sleep deprivation, robotically changing nappies and feeding frantic mouths, collapsing at the end of the day to snatch some supper and choose to watch mindless TV, the programes invariably chosen because our addled brains can only process people using words of less than two syllables. Thank God for the modest, intellectual heavy weight, Katie Price. Weekends are more of the same. Our life is a running machine set slightly too fast. With both of us working, my wife and I share the childcare so we both find ourselves more sketchy than usual, more fractious, less tolerant. Damn, children are hard work. I'll post when I can. It may smell a bit of baby sick. Sorry about that.

Writing this title will create an administrative nightmare

The Suit — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 13:32:00 GMT

My second child is due to be born any day now and my interest in paternity leave developments has been reignited. Unfortunately, lobbying my local MP to allow fathers like me to take 5 years off on full pay and beer, for some reason, hasn't made much progress. Never mind. However, I was interested to see that Labour's suggestion that mothers could transfer their unused maternity leave to their partner met with a frosty response from the two high profile business associations recently - both cited 'the administrative nightmare' that such legislation would open up for employers. I can see what they're saying but we probably all know that this is business code for 'We hate this idea but can't say so directly, so we're going to exaggerate the problems to try to prevent it going through', don't we? What would have been refreshing to read is: 'the spokesperson admitted that their members hated this this idea and - no matter how well intentioned the initiative - they generally hated ideas that would impact on their profitability. However, the spokesperson also conceeded that most people are quite lazy and this irritating idea just added to everyone's workload. He then added that "as this position would make them look like a heartless steroetypical employer pressure groups, they generally used the euphamism 'administrative nightmare' instead."

This isn't just an isolated example. Using the power of computer hacking and an over active imagination, exclusive to Human Resources Magazine, I can show you an entirely fictitious selection of discarded policy drafts from some of our leading business organisations:

We object to minimum wage increases because it simply gives workers more money to spend on beer. In addition, people probably enjoy poverty.
Children actually enjoy working in sweatshops producing cheap clothes as it gives them a sense of style.
Women do not really deserve equal treatement to men because they are, on average, shorter.
Flexible working is a bad idea because it sounds like it might hurt. This might lead to an increase in business insurance premiums.
An opt out from the Working Time directive is vital. We recognise that most people are unhappy in their relationships so, as caring employers, we 'd like to encourage them to spend as much time in work, away from each, other as possible.
All laws must be as flexible in their appliation as possible in order to allow our members room to not do anything. Unless the law benefits us, in which case it must be enforced vigorously.
Interestingly, you may know that Earl Shaftesbury, the man who campaigned against child slavery faced considerable opposition to his plans from the political classes. These MPs also happened to own many of the factories, stately homes and mills that Shaftesbury's legislation would effect. In one notable case, an MP was concerned that he wouldn't be able to keep his stately home clean if 5 year olds weren't allowed to crawl up soot encrushed chimnneys for 14 hours a day retiring at 11 with a generous pension of cancer and lung infections. How times change......

Astroturf: Coming to a debate near you.

The Suit — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 15:22:00 GMT

'Astroturf' is the term given to spontaneous outpourings of public opposition or support from seemingly independent organisations which are in fact carefully orchestrated reactions by companies who stand to lose most from new developments in legislation. The word evolved from the term 'grassroots protest' which are deemed genuinely spontaneous protests: 38 Degrees and the Stop the War Coalition are a few UK examples of grassroots protests. So Astroturf = fake grass(roots). The health debates raging in Town Halls across the US has brought Astroturfing back into the limelight. More recently, the American Petroleum Institute's efforts to organise Astroturf protests to defeat Climate change legislation due for debate in the US Congress have come unstuck. Greenpeace have exposed the API's plans and a leaked letter and memo has shown that the selfless and concerned Energy Citizens body is little than a Oil industry subsidised façade to defend their corporate interests. That the API has been exposed using employees and managed protests to fight against overwhelming public opinion leaves them with egg on their face and the industry with a worse reputation than before - if that’s actually possible.

Now these dubious tactics aren't confined to the Oil Industry. Work for a company worried about the increasing government focus on Obesity, organic food or sustainability? Well, the valiantly named 'Centre for Consumer Freedom' urges Americans to fight against the erosion of the right to eat what they want against a "meddling cabal of activists" including "self-anointed "food police," health campaigners, trial lawyers, personal-finance do-gooders, animal-rights misanthropes, and meddling bureaucrats." Oh. And might it....possibly...just....be funded by members from the US food and restaurant industry? There are hundreds of other organisations in a similar vein.

Now, Corporate Social Responsibility has been gaining increasing prominence as greater environmental awareness takes hold. Initially dismissed by many commentators as a fad, CSR is recognised as serving a valuable function in engaging the workforce and attracting talent. We all live in the same world, so working for a company that tries to be a responsible organisation is a requirement for those in my generation. More so for future graduates. Personally, I wouldn't work for a company that didn't have these policies or initiatives in place. I certainly wouldn't work or trust an organisation that relies on Astroturf activity to defend its vested interests. Profit before planet at all costs seem short sighted to me. Granted, in the short term the recession may relegate these concerns to secondary importance when balanced with the need to put food on the table but the long term trend seems clear. In these instances, I'm intruiged to see a preference for resistance than adaptation. Hopefully, these twitches are just part of the death throes.

How not to ask for sponsorship

The Suit — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 15:22:00 GMT

I'm currently being stalked by various sub -groups of the UK's further education establishment. I've received four emails in the past few weeks all asking for sponsorship. There have been two Rugby clubs at College X and University Y, one from a group of actuarial students at University A and B, a woman's hockey club. All have been, as far as I can tell, authentic. Not a Nigerian banker, requesting my bank details on headed note paper, in sight.

Now, big hand for their initiative but where's the personal touch? Email, social networking sites, even twitter have their role in life and business for good or bad, but the clincher is that in business, the human link still dominates. A phone call from the ether pitching an idea, a meeting, a proposal is far harder to dismiss that an email from someblokethatI'venevferheardofsolet'sdeletesthis@gmail.com.uk.

At least the Nigerian banker would try to interest me with tales of riches beyond my wildest dreams as compensation for emailing me an anonymous missive. It would be a lie clearly, but it shows that Nigerian Con artists understand the sales pitch and the win-win concept.

My stalkers simply ping me an email announcing:

"Dear Sir, While I haven't quite got around to finding whether you have responsibility for this area, I thought that I would take the plunge and email you anyway. While I realise that most people delete unsolicited emails, this course of action allows me to feel that I have completed the fundraising task, even if the phrase 'to best of my ability' has no place in the same sentance. As this weighty file, attached in this mass mail out demonstrates, we'd appreciate your involvement. In order to challenge you mentally, I will leave it to you to work out why, at a time of tight corporate budgets, supporting us would benefit your company. It's not up to me to convince you, of course, I shall simply say that it will. However, far more importantly than this, is the fact that your funds would buy my rugby playing colleagues 15 shirts, 5 extra large branded jock straps and 190 beers per player per day for an entire calendar year. I await your response.

Yours, A. Student.

P.s Oh, and if this isn't your area, can you forward it to the right person and ask them to call me?"

Unfortunately, the outlook delete button makes very little noise in cyberspace, so they may be waiting some time. Really, though, if you're asking someone for money at least try to stack the odds in your favour by calling your target first. It makes a difference.

Of course, if I recieve an email mentioning that they're starting up a ' We move with technology but would like to ensure that people understand the importance of personal contact' student group, then I have £14 billion in funds for them, left to me by Mugabe's Zimbabwean cronies. All they have to do is send me some headed note paper and their bank details……

Birch as you search

The Suit — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 14:09:00 GMT

This year, I've begun an effort campaign to find greener alternatives to my usual day to day routines. I'm then pitching the ideas to our Employee Forum which lobbies senior management on changes that the employees would like to see. It's always struck me that many companies begin and end at 'recycling' when thinking of offical policies to show their staff that they're environmentally friendly. It's often down the individual to suggest smaller changes that could effect an even bigger change.

A group of rather innovative students at the University College London have come up with one of my favourite finds so far. Web users can earn trees to help with reforestation by simply using their Google supported search engine, Gearch. Each search earns a portion of a tree, meaning that after a suprisingly short while, the user has a fetching sapling or 5 to plant via one of the site’s reforestation partners – simply for doing what they were going to do via Google anyway. It's easy. Simply log on and download the Gearch toobar and Bob's your acorn. I've managed to plant 7 trees so far and have been using the site for only a few months.

No comment

The Suit — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 12:01:00 GMT

I was intrigued to see the Health and Safety Executive call for a more common sense approach on the HRMagazine website and for business leaders to show some support for the initiative. In one of my previous corporate lives, the facilities manager announced that employees cycling to work could no longer keep their wet cycling shoes under the benches in the office changing room - or hang our towels and jackets on the wall - to dry. If you've ever cycled to work in the Winter, you'll know why this rankled. When we queried this inconvenient decision and were told that, according to our company's Health and Safety consultants, a serious accident could occur if one of the shoes/towels was dislodged and an unsuspecting (aren't they always?) changing room user fell over it. Truth be told we agreed with him and felt that being damp was certainly best. After all, after negotiating blindly lumbering HGVs, towering buses, aggressive white vans and speed freak motor cyclists, often in the rain, on our daily commute, perched on a two wheel steel frame with no other form of protection than a foam helmet and two canvass gloves, it was certainly comforting to know that the HSE collective were protecting us from a horrible death at the hands of a rogue Shimano R300 cycling shoe.

Expenses: A politically expensive accounting error

The Suit — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 14:12:00 GMT

So this week's post is simply to mention the pressure group 38 degrees, who are petitioning parliament to give members of the public the power to instantly recall their disgraced MPs rather than rely on the local party to do it. A good democratic step if ever I saw one. If you're interested, do sign the petition and pass it on.

38 degrees

All for one, one for all (but most for us)

The Suit — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 10:28:00 GMT

I'm starting to find Unions and the role they now play in our workforce rather interesting. I studied the trade union movement at University as part of my degree from their idealistic creation as a worthy barrier to prevent the exploitation of the workforce. So far, so good but be warned a sweeping generalisation is about to burrow into the next few sentances. They seem to increasingly resemble organisations which do all they can to protect the vested interests of their members. It's a move from promoting solidarity and equality to one reinforcing divisions and ensuring inequality. The difference in pension provision between the private and public sector seems to be a case in point. No matter the circumstances, be careful what you do, have Union, will strike. Maybe working has changed my viewpoint from my student days. In the current economic climate when pay freezes are the norm, on the HRmagazine website, I read the story of Unison demanding a rethink local government pay deals.

According to HRmagazine, the spokesperson, Heather Wakefiled commented on the current offer: "Who can honestly expect us to consider this acceptable? It is just not realistic and we know employers have already put aside money for the increase of between 1.5% and 2.5%. How can they hope to recruit and retain enough social workers to make sure children at risk are protected when they are offering a ridiculously low amount - what sort of carrot is this?"

I agree, Heather. And well done for associating the danger to children with your pay rise. Others might accuse you of highly cynical emotional blackmail. I wouldn't of course. I echo your words. Well, your first sentence anyway. The vast majority of the population work for private firms, many of which have introduced pay freezes on the basis that this is a better alternative to redundancies. We're also aware that all of us will be facing a tax increase in the short to medium term in order to pay back the fantastical amount of money that has been spent bailing the banks out and preventing a full blown collapse of our economy. For better or for worse this is the situation that we are all in. Things are tight for all of us. We're all making sure that we are living to our means and not spending unecessarily. Private and public sector. Union members and not. The pay rises that you demand for your small section of society, are, of course, funded by all of us.

Solidarity indeed, sister.…..

From the Desk of the International Bank of Dubious Credibility

The Suit — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:36:00 GMT

So. Back from a lovely chilled holiday way from the stresses of the world. And careering straight into a wall of overdue requests, urgent queries, half urgent queries, mild inquiries and 46 additional missed calls. My phone, desktop tyrant that it is, enjoys letting me know that I'm in demand while petulently refusing to let me know who called. Punishment for not using it for two weeks, I expect. A ridiculous 695 emails clogging up the arteries of my Outlook. Initially, I was slightly pleased as clearly the number of emails indicates you connectedness within the company...Right? I had to challenge this assumption after clearing out numerous Dilbert Cartoons, BBC newsletters, magazine news alerts, and hundreds of CC'd emails left me with approximately 3. So, NOT having very many emails clearly indicates that I am so efficient that work goes on seamlessly in my absence. That’s more like it. Interestingly, I have also been offered the chance to make millions via some generous scammer in Nigeria. Relentless aren't they? It must be the most well known scam in the world by now. But...if you'd like to see how some enteprising bloggers are dealing with the situation, go here.

Incompetency Management

The Suit — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 15:24:00 GMT

This week's management hypothesis is a slight departure from current HR thinking. This week, this blog puts it to you not to believe that everyone is a talented individual wanting to unlock their potential. This blog asks you to change your mindset in light of the serious errors leading to the current financial crisis. This blog asks you to accept the notion that everyone, including this poster, is disastrously inept, incompetent and, occasionally, very, very stupid. Previously called Human Error, this new theory 'Incompetency Management and Leveraging Ineptitude' (IMLI) explains the UK's corporate working culture in a far more insightful manner than anything previously proposed. IMLI now retails on this very blog at a bargain £245.99 (excluding £146 postage and packaging) and can help organisations accurately measure their performance and save them, let's say, oh, £4 billion? The immense frauds perpetuated by Madoff and Stanford on top of the stunning collapse of hitherto profitable banks and the ruin of the financial 'Masters of the Universe' has really only highlighted what most of us know already: No one in any position of authority or control is doing anything other than making it up as they go along. Using IMLI, we can see that those in middle management jobs are simply trying to cover up the number of mistakes made my those employees above and below them. IMLI also knows that the more junior echlons of the workforce would just rather be in the pub. Those we temporarily class as 'successful' are, according to IMLI, only so because their peers are more inept at their jobs and ill-informed than themselves. IMLI puts Inspector Clouseau at the heart of HR Management Theory. With IMLI, there are no disappointments, there are no over-inflated financial targets. With IMLI there is just the simple understanding that human error will ultimately triumph while also ruining everything.

Not Asda

The Suit — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 16:28:00 GMT

I was interested to read in HR Magazine that Tesco will not be paying staff who were unable to get to work due to the recent bad weather. I was equally interested to note that Tesco's made a profit of £2.7 billion in 2008.