Discussions from the deputy

Bah Humbug!

2008-12-11T11:16:00Z

A couple of weeks ago, I had what I thought was going to be a lovely week off work. The plan was to spend my time something like this: Wake up late, watch a bit of ‘This Morning', drink a big mug of tea, potter around a bit, nip into town, have some lunch, potter a bit more, maybe watch Quantum of Solace, and be back in time for ‘The Weakest Link.’ Times five days. I know it’s hardly the pinnacle of human evolution, but after a hard year in the office, the thought of just lazing around in my neighbourhood seemed distinctly blissful. But then my Utopia collapsed. Worked phoned. Not once, but on four out of the five working week days. I don’t blame my colleagues (OK, perhaps I do…a little), rather some infuriating PRs who couldn’t possibly wait till I returned, and who pressured my poor work mates into feeling like they needed to phone me that day to clear the matter up for them. It goes without saying that the matters requiring ‘urgent resolution’ were quite trivial, and eminently able to wait until I returned. My ire was barely containable. I feel bad about chastising at my poor colleagues who got the first cut of it. But my anger is now aimed at the rest of the world, and the people who run it who clearly do not believe holiday is sacrosanct. I've not forgotten that all these pesky PRs had seen my out of office, but still decided I should be reached. So…as I turn my thoughts to my upcoming Christmas break – where I will be away while most are still at work – instead of breaking into festive cheer, I find myself breaking into a sweat about just who will ring me. Non-work life should not be like this. Bah humbug? Maybe, but my Christmas wish this year is simply to have a lovely holiday and come back into 2009 refreshed, and ready to take on the world again. I’ll be more than happy to talk to you – but not till New Year. Oh, and I’m off from 21st December. That’s 21st December. Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

Brand and Ross - It's our fault not HR's

2008-10-30T09:59:00Z

It doesn’t take a genius to work out that something isn’t quite right about the media furore surrounding the antics of two of the BBC’s biggest names – Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand. Why? Because nobody seems to have a clue who to blame, and with good reason – there doesn’t seem to be any strong contenders. Some place culpability at the feet of the stars themselves (employees breaching their employment contracts); others find their line managers at fault (a poor 25 year-old producer seems to have got a distinctly age-discriminatory mention here), while for others it is a failure at the very top and an issue of organisational talent management. Just about the only people not to have attracted any blame is HR, but it hardly seems fair even they should take the rap. If anyone is to blame, it’s us, the great (although it seems, fickle) viewing public. Millions of us tune in avidly precisely because Ross is rude, his material close to the bone and is anti-establishment. If HR were to get involved (Ross and Brand have, after all, both been suspended), what would they say, and how strong a case would they have? Nothing in these broadcasters’ recent behaviour is at all out of character. It’s what we want and expect. If these stars do get the chop, and want to fight it, I’d argue HR doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Ross may, on numerous occasions, have reduced guests to squirming wrecks with his overly sexual remarks. But the audience has always been complicit, and by default, he has had his employer’s blessing. Where were the calls for him to be sacked when he asked Nicole Kidman if she had a ‘Brazilian’, or if her ‘collars and cuffs’ matched? There were none. Like it or loathe it, the Beeb has, for the most part, actually given us what we want, and we’ve all been happy to lap it up. Is it right Ross and Brand are made to feel they’ve had their comeuppance for behaviour their bosses have supported and encouraged? You decide. But I dare say they are the scapegoats for an employment policy that was never codified, and never tested until the anti-BBC media decided it should be.

Nothing but the Truth

2008-10-17T13:07:00Z

A long time ago I realised that when people said things like ‘oh, I’m really shy’, or ‘I’m not really a very confident person’, nine times out of ten, it actually meant the opposite. These little affectations are polite, British ways of being understated, but in essence they are really lies. Fine you may think; they don’t harm anyone, but what about when these little porkies spread to the office? I’m pretty sure we lie at work on a daily basis. ‘Yes, I’ll do that report’; ‘I’ll get back to you next week’; ‘I’ll do that first’ – sound familiar? I only say this, because I think I need to ‘out’ myself. I’m definitely not lying when I say I lie. I’m feeling guilty, because lately, I feel I’ve been doing it more than usual. My falsehoods normally start from conversations similar to this: PR: “Hi, did you get my email for the other day” Me: [I’m already rattled, because I hate these follow-up calls] “…Yes, I did…I haven’t really had time to go through it yet (not a lie); can I get back to you later on in the week. (lie, I did see the email, but it wasn’t really useful to me, but I didn’t want to be so dismissive). PR: ‘OK, I’ll wait to hear back to you’ Me: ‘Great, I’ll call you soon, thanks’ Humpf. I really hate myself. My rational explanation is that I don’t like saying no to people. Simultaneously I realise, my little white lies are the worst thing I should do. I lead PR people on; ultimately I lead their clients on. (Am I leading myself on?) So, I’ve made a resolution today. I’m going to speak the truth. I’ve already tested it in the course of writing this blog. ‘Thanks for your email, but I don’t think this is really for us,’ I said to one PR. ‘Fine, let us know how we can help in the future,’ he said cheerily in reply.’ What!? Yes, it was far easier than I thought. I’ve realised that if I stick to my guns, people will have more respect for me, and working relations will be all the better for it. Why don’t you try and see if you can also seek to live a life of truths at work. You’ll be surprising how satisfying and energising it can be.

Bottom line or Better brand?

2008-10-03T10:32:00Z

For a dumbed-down version of ‘The Apprentice’, ITV1’s brazen copy, Natural Born Sellers – the show that pits salespeople against each other for a winner-takes-all prize – didn’t ‘arf get me thinking. For once it was not because this over-cocky, egotistical rabble quite literally represented the worst of the car salesman stereotypes (although I was actually left disgusted by the orgasmic pleasure one contestant derived from lying to a customer about the bargain they thought they’d just been offered). It was more because I was left confused about how HR folk would go about assessing their redeemable features. The cause of my mental tussle, was that they all displayed highly dubious tactics – over-pressuring customers, harrying them, treating them like, well idiots whose only purpose in life was to line their pockets – yet all these people did actually sell (and earn more commission than the normal staff these contestants replaced). So, I found myself thinking, are these really the best, the people HR should beat a path to their door, or are they actually the very worst? I still cannot make my mind up. Take Scott, the 25-year old cub portrayed as an unmanageable, too-big-for-his-boots, self deluded wannabe. He actually came second in the task selling furniture in an Ideal Homes store. The problem is that for all the money he clawed in, customers did not like him, and to an HR director he is everything bad about Generation X. He turned up late, back-chatted to his manager, was arrogant, refused to listen to feedback, was terse with customers and threw a tantrum when his manager tried to counsel him. I suspect he may well have got the sales, but what brand image did he leave with those poor bullied customers? Which should the HR director make more happy – the sales director, whose only joy is how many beds were sold that day, or the MD, who I bet would rather have a sustainable business, and would have turned white if he’d overheard what one heavy-handed reprobate ordered one customer to do – ‘get on that bed, and stay there until I come back’.

Baby blues

2008-09-03T15:45:00Z

This week, I can honestly say I’ve shaken more rattles and sniffed more sudocrem than I can care to remember. It all began rather innocently when last weekend I visited my old school friend Adam, who is now the proud owner of Lily, 6 months, temperamental starter, but reliable little number nevertheless (if you don’t want any sleep that is). As a non-parent, but of the sort of age where one starts to look fondly on new life, I found myself quite liking Lily. She has lots of personality, babbles a bit, dribbles, but thinks everyone (including me) is a brilliant new thing to examine. This baby started a rush. On Monday Ben, another pal from school announced he’d just become a dad for the first time, while Lynn, (in-between pub-quiz questions), was waxing lyrically about his new addition. As I went to visit Ben’s little bundle of joy, a warm tingle swept across me, as I found great pleasure seeing little Eleanor. But without warning, my new-found baby fascination turned rather sour. A colleague of mine, who has been off work for several months on maternity leave unexpectedly (well, to me anyway) suddenly appeared…wheeling her newborn with her into the office. Suddenly I was a shy, not particularly interested, stand-offish, slightly rude bloke, not quite knowing what to do as a predictable gaggle of cooing and ‘ahhs’ from my mostly female colleagues. I’ve decided I like babies, but not my colleagues’, and certainly not when they’re brought to work.

Inbox Hell

2008-08-27T09:59:00Z

Yesterday I joined the ranks of returning holiday-makers whose only desperate thought as they turn on their PC is about the sheer scale of their creaking email inbox. I was only away for a week, but in that short space of time I had accumulated nearly 550 of the little monsters. Before you think I’m bragging, let me say categorically I am not. In fact I felt deflated. Nay, I felt I needed another holiday. I’m pretty sure I’m not the first to pass comment on this first-day-back siege. Neither will I be the last, but various discussions with friends about this curse of modern life have been illuminating. I’ve learned that there are those – I’m talking about men here – who equate the size of their inbox with the size of their ‘box’ in general. The bigger the better. Emails equal importance. The more you have, the more indispensable you are. You are the top dog. This is frankly ridiculous. It’s about time these simpletons grew up. Anyone who saw my pre-holiday out-of-office message will have noted the slightly brusque manner in which I begged on bended knee not to be mailed: “I’m now on holiday. If you get this email, can you please refrain from sending any more till after I get back. I get absolutely deluged, and it'll help me deal with your query sooner.” Other people I’ve talked to, however, think it’s me who is ridiculous. "How could you possibly wait till you get back to check your emails?" commented one aghast friend. "I find it much less stressful if I log on for 10 minutes every day and delete or pass on what’s come in. Then I can get on with my holiday knowing that nothing’s going on I need to worry about." I’m as shocked as they are, but I’m saddened too. Is this the future of holidays? What misery if it is. As much as I loathe the predictable monotony of the morning back, I wouldn’t swap it for the intrusion into my holiday that checking my emails daily would involve. Call me old-fashioned, but holiday is holiday. And, if you do get back to someone too late, you can always use the problem that email creates to your advantage. "Oh, I’m still going through my inbox" I can comfortably say – even if it’s two or three days later. Well, if you can’t beat it, you might as well use it to your advantage!

Noisy neighbours

2008-08-06T14:38:00Z

I’ve always been told hearing worsens with age. I now have serious suspicions this is not true. I’m finding myself becoming increasingly interrupted by office noise. Not just the early-morning ‘how was your evening/weekend’ banter that is a pleasant part of social interaction, but the all-day inane conversations, fake phone chuckles, singing and alpha male boisterousness that seem to breed on my floor and drift my way without any derogation in volume. It’s got so bad I’ve actually started to question myself. I find myself asking – quietly – ‘Is it me?’. ‘Am I becoming less tolerant?’, ‘Am I a killjoy?’ ‘Is my communal compass spinning out of control?’ Happily for my sanity (or so my colleagues tell me), it is not only my problem. It is also a problem for them too. It is the environment in which we work. Sadly, for my sanity, I sense the issue will not go away. Upon deeper research, I find I’m not alone. A whopping one in three workers have apparently come close the resigning because of the irritating habits of their colleagues, according to Office Angels. Now, I’m not usually so tolerant of such fanciful-sounding claims, but this time I actually thinking this stat could be true. All of which poses one bigger question. Just when did it become acceptable for office ‘teams’ to be so raucous? Is this the way management theory and group dynamics is going? Human voices wouldn’t be so bad. It’s the fact my office noise is inexorably linked with ruler slapping, finger clicking, hand clapping, whooping, cheering, jeering, table thumping, foot tapping, finger drumming, and – and this really gets on my goat – keyboard bashing. These people attack (rather than caress) their keyboard, as if their existence depended on demonstrating that they’re typing. Alas, I fear regulation will not help me. A quick glance at the ‘Control of Noise at Work Regulations’ (last updated in 2005), shows employers must prevent staff from being exposed to 80dB over an eight hour period (equivalent to a tube train entering an underground station platform). This lower noise limit was reduced from 85dB, so things are slowly going in the right direction. But if anyone has ever researched lower-level, but continuous noise, and the impact it has on productivity, I’d gladly take a read of it. Open plan offices were once described as the office design of the future. Open to debate I think now.